Black Shamrock

What Does It Take...?

2011-07-30T21:56:00.003-07:00

What does it take?

...and I guess I mean "to be happy"?

I have been on borrowed time for the last couple of years, and not until recently have I figured out some of the things that have truly kept me "trying".

I just finished watching "She's Out Of My League", and it was pretty corny. But I thought it was pretty good - pretty painful on some parts - but pretty good.

and I realized some things about myself from watching it. I am a vulnerable person. and I am very afraid to be criticized for that vulnerability. I would rather people think I am an "ass", and turn their backs on me, than to make fun of me for being a sensitive person.

I want to be in a relationship where the woman in my life can accept that I cannot always be the rock in the relationship. I get scared. I have doubts. I fail. I cry. And I love.

And I wear a large shield to protect myself from anyone who exposes that vulnerability and makes fun of it.

We all have our little visions of what we think is the perfect person in our make believe fairytale. And I really don't think a lot of it is unattainable, unrealistic, or impossible to find. But what we generally offer in return is not the same caliber as we expect.

This movie was about self confidence, and having conviction to push through everyone else' idea of who you are suited for, who is suited for you - and what is supposed to be our natural balance of who we should expect to be with in our lives. And movies like this I prefer to watch alone. I can just relax and enjoy it. I don't know what others' think about on movies like this, but to me - at 43 - it makes me feel whole.. new.. positive.

As a kid, there was no support of "you can do anything you set your mind to", or the positive reinforcement of just being loved. I merely spent my childhood trying to stay alive.

I guess I really am kind of a puss about it all.

I know the day to day parts of life, and a relationship are difficult pills to swallow. And I know there are reasons everyday to give up. I just wanted someone in my life to not be so quick to feel that they have to tell me the "harsh realities" of every fucking thing in the world...

..and just let me enjoy my life a little. On my terms... And still be able to have something amazing

I am two years past my "plan 42", and as my birthday approaches I feel like I am still in a holding pattern. Confused. Frustrated. Lonely. No further along than before. I still am not sure why I decided to continue.

...then I kinda got it tonight. ... I just wanted for someone to miss me, want me, and be happy to see me. And to not think that they were a 10, and I was a 5.

..oh, and the electricity...

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? - A PHYSICIST VIEW

2010-12-23T20:31:00.002-07:00

Consider the following:
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

2010-09-13T22:19:00.001-07:00

Everythings a confrontation,
Heading t'wards collision
While life is lived in desperation,
In itself a prison.

Without reward, destination, or a seatbelt.

An Irish Airman foresees his Death (W.B. Yeats)

2010-06-13T16:41:00.001-07:00

I KNOW that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan’s poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public man, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.

...The Devil Inside

2010-04-13T19:38:00.002-07:00

It's been 5 years since she left - and running into her today was like running into a wall going 90. Actually maybe not like that at all.

I just wanted to hide. Wish for invisibility. I kinda felt like that rabbit in your yard while walking the dog. "You can't see me, You can't see me, If I don't move, You can't see me!"

Y'know that really didn't work too well.

The room got a little colder.
Her stare was a little random.
Then... she looked directly at me.
And left the restaurant.

While everyone was a little confused, I knew exactly who she was, and why she left.

Actually, I never knew why she left - ever.

All I know is that after 5 years, she still makes me feel vulnerable, self conscious, and sorry. Sorry for everything I had ever done to hurt her. I have always carried that. Instead of demanding an apology for how she hurt me, I would rather just say I'm sorry.

I feel empty, damaged, worthless, insignificant, and gullible. I left a career that I spent 20 years making, and watched the woman that I opened my heart and soul to walk out of my life.

It's been a long five years. And although she never has to say a word, I feel like I have always let her down. She has all the power - and I have zero.

I guess directly or indirectly, I deal with it everyday. It hurts. It angers. It saddens....

...so beautiful, the devil inside.

My Life on TV

2010-04-12T20:14:00.003-07:00

Official Vanity Card

(the note card right after Big Bang Theory)

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #284
2010 Census

1) How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment or mobile home on April 1, 2010? Well, after a difficult divorce and several failed attempts at a meaningful relationship, I guess the answer is one. One lonely, middle-aged guy. But I shouldn't get too down on myself. I mean, at least I'm trying. At least my intentions are good. Well, mostly good. I am guilty of what I call self-righteous self-centeredness. You know, that workaholic syndrome which requires everyone to adapt to my every pressing needs, rather than being available to theirs. In fact, that actually might be the core of my problem. That, or my compulsive desire to make women happy, which, no surprise, stems from a deep fear that unless I'm perfect, they'll leave me. Oh, and they sure let you know when you're not perfect. They don't mince words when you fail to live up to their expectations. You hear about it. Or worse, you don't hear about it and then have to deal with their subliminal rage that you're not healing their deep-seated daddy wound. But that's beside the point. Bottom line, one person lives here. There, you happy U.S. Department of Commerce Economics and Statistics Administration/ U.S. Census Bureau?! Anything else you want to know?

2) Were there any additional people staying here that you did not include in question one? I already told you, I'm alone! What is with you people?! Why do you keep taunting me?! Haven't I suffered enough?!

A Love Seat Made Out Of Monogamy... (Part I)

2009-12-06T22:39:00.007-07:00

"And when faced with temptation,
You know a man should stand and fight,
But you will, be my downfall tonight."
(Be My Downfall - Del Amitri)

When I think of a relationship, I think of the same things most everyone thinks of;
Honesty
Integrity
Attraction
Friendship
Sex
Finances
(pretty much in that order too...)

And what I don't think about is;
"How should I conduct myself in public" (maybe I should...)
"What is SHE doing?"
"Should I call her?"
"Who is Bob?"
"Should I call her now?"
"What about now?"
"Who does she talk to when she's not with me?"
"Is she fucking him?"
"Or her...?"
"Can I join?"

I guess I have had points in my life where I have been a little jealous and insecure. And I have been told that I haven't been concerned enough in other situations.

Listen, the deal is this. You don't own anyone, and you can't control them. If they want to cheat, they will cheat.

There is no "Spouse-Fax" that will give you the history of your mate.

There are no references that we have to submit (trust me, my life has been an open book for years, and I still don't want that!), and you should be happy for it.

Because it gives us all a new start, another chance, a fresh beginning. Because face it, we all make mistakes... some small... some very fucking big! But we all get that chance. Unless we date within our friend circles - and honestly, although it does screw it up on friendships, you definitely know what you are getting into... (still not the greatest way to start a new relationship, where your buddy left his off...)

"Everybody knows that you love me baby,
Everybody knows that you really do,
Everybody knows that you've been faithful,
Ah give or take a night or two,
Everybody knows you've been discreet,
But there were so many people you just had to meet,
Without your clothes,
And everybody knows."
(Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen) (Concrete Blonde has a pretty good version too)

And as far as "Good & Evil", "Black or White", or whatever you guide your cheating scale on.. the simple fact is this - if you think that other person is cheating - leave! You won't change your way of thinking... you'll never be convinced. You'll always have a doubt, you'll never trust them. You can "hope" them back to a trustworthy person - but the first fight you have... BAM! "I knew you were never going to change!" It's a ridiculous fight, and not worth burning the calories over.

And we have all had that fight - whether on the receiving end - or the gun-holding end!

The key is communication. Pure and fucking simple. Maybe the cheating is based on sex. Maybe it's based on intelligence, that leads to sex. Maybe it's on some sort of sanity, trust, honesty, attraction, and everything else that seems to trump whatever it was that you let slip and decided that you didn't have to do - now that you have a significant other! (insert whatever crazy shit you want there, because cheating is not just about a blow-job! Believe it!)

Put some work into your fucking relationship, because if you don't, there are enough motherfuckers like me who will!

"Cause nothin' lasts forever,
And we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle,
In the cold November rain."
(November Rain - Guns 'N Roses)

My Happy Places...

2009-11-22T14:44:00.004-07:00

a boat in the middle of a quiet lake • smell of autumn air • surf crashing against the rocks • fingers interlocked with someone special • thunderstorms • sun on bare skin • sitting 40 stories up listening to the world below • the taste of salt after kissing her neck • water • hearing "i love you" • sand • the smell of suntan oil • sitting on a patio with no real agenda • chicken and noodles the way my grandmother made them • flirting • a very subtle perfume • dark chocolate • sitting on the porch during a downpour • the sound of a kiss • goosebumps when it's not cold • curled toes • vanilla • oh so "not" vanilla.. • calm reassurance • an intimate evening without one word • watching snowfall • saying "i love you"...

You Know What Your Problem Is.....?

2009-11-15T20:00:00.002-07:00

hmm.. The more I think about the above question, the more I realize the answer.

And I'm not the only person who should ask himself that question either. We could all benefit in a multitude of ways by merely asking ourselves what the hell our problem is.

Sometimes, it's our jobs, or our spouses, or that asshole on the freeway. Sometimes it's our environment, our attitude, or even our kids.

But most times it's just us. Adapting to today's world. A world of independence. A world of being strong. A world of technology. And a world of intolerence.

We don't need anyone. Not a girlfriend, or boyfriend. We don't need anyone to take care of our kids for us, or to be that "surrogate parent" where our ex significant other has decided not to participate. We are not changing for anyone! If they can't accept us just as we are - fuck 'em! We don't need anyone elses baggage, or their drama... or any of their bullshit for that matter.

Or do we?

We seem to like people to take interest in our lives - but we really don't want to be bothered with theirs... Sometimes the deal breaker is that they may have more drama in their lives than we have in ours (and some of us have some... or alot)!

We have flaws, and we are certainly setting a great example for our brood on how to be shallow, thin skinned, offended, and heartless.

We use quotes about accepting us at our worst, to get our best - but in return, we are not willing to accept another at their worst.

We want them to want us. It feels good. No, it feels great!! We used to be hurt by words like "irresponsible", and "immature", but those words are nothing to the hurt that "high maintenance", or "drama" causes.

I am humiliated by some of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of years - and truly abased at my life... my accomplishments... and my relationships...

But what I do know is we act more proud about being "bullet proof" to anyone getting to our heart, and less about being available for a "happy ever after". We go through the motions, but we sabotage every chance at a great relationship (or... the next great relationship.. some of us tend to have a trend going on here...), because we refuse to take off the band-aid in our souls of all of the things that have hurt us!

Part of the pleasure, is enduring the pain... but you can never feel anything if everything is bandaged up beforehand so that you may never get hurt... ever.

No matter how tough I may be - I cry. And it feels good. And I think sometimes I really am hesitant to let anyone in my world because of my frailties and the fact that I am not ready to be made fun of for not being stronger, or more successful, or having made mistakes... I grew up in that atmosphere, and it's not whether or not I can "get over it", it's about being conducive to what I need in my life to be happy... "happy ever after" happy!

I cry. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am not always confident. I could be in better shape. I can be more successful.

And I will.

But I do love. I do care. I do appreciate.

and another night passes...

The Seven Year... what?

2009-10-11T22:04:00.004-07:00

When I was little I, like most people, had a Baby Book. It wasn't much and by the time I was eighteen, I was surprised that it made it through my childhood - because I barely made it through my childhood.

In December of 1985 when I made my way to Denver Colorado from Wichita Kansas, my car broke down (and by broke down, I mean threw a piston). That in itself was a long story, but one of the items that was lost was my Baby Book.

It really is not a big deal to most people, however, I really didn't have many things from my childhood and this was an important thing to me. My mother took the time to fill it in, and it was something that I cherished. And it was lost.

So When my boys were born I vowed to have a Baby Book for them. But.... it's more like a box.... alright a series of boxes! Alright... more of a time capsule.

These boxes contain items like magazines from the year they were born, significant papers like San Francisco's Earthquake, Desert Storm, Rockies Cards, DIA's opening program.. and other items like every grade card, merit, csap test, and even a quilt that my oldest made in Junior High School. There are probably at least 3 plastic totes and my first wife's grandfather's WWII Army footlocker.

Now putting some items in the totes I ran into some photos. Going through the photos, I ran into my second wedding. Looking at my second wedding, well... it teared me up a little. And not tear (as a mispronunciation of tore), but tears... It really fucked me up. And the scars are still tender. They are scars, but they are still tender.

I felt so much for this person. I can say (although I denied it for almost ever), that I truly loved her. She was absolutely beautiful, and I would've walked through fire for her. Our relationship was difficult, because it mixed our working relationship with our personal relationship. And ultimately that compromised a 20 year career in tile and stone, and put serious pressure on something I would have done anything to preserve - that marriage.

I would do anything for her. Some days she would drive me absolutely nuts - and I loved her. We equally had our own demons that we needed to address. I hadn't ventured into my med management, and ... well, she surely had some sensitivity issues that sometimes needed attention. But I loved her with everything I had.

This New Year's Eve would have been our seventh anniversary. I've just spent the last two hours looking at cards, at photos, and into the past...

I haven't spoken to her in almost 4 years. A lot of questions went unanswered. I miss someone who knew me like she knew me - who was interested in me like she was interested in me - who cared about me like she cared about me. It's not a "her only" thing - it is the "IT" factor that is the missing piece of the puzzle. There were a lot of things wrong with that relationship - but she had the "IT" factor.

We will never have those conversations that answer "What the hell happened" or "Why couldn't we have worked this out"? It seemed almost from the beginning that one foot was always out the door. And as I am a different person today, I imagine she is as well.

Lonliness is a real bitch. And no matter how bad I thought I had it at any one time in that marriage - having no one to understand that emptiness, makes it so much harder.

I guess what makes it ironic, is that I am not entirely sure that she understood how much she meant to me.

I am truly a fucking mess...

Suicide Buffet

2009-10-11T09:37:00.002-07:00

...thinking.... one of the reasons I may have never committed suicide was fear that Jake might eat me before someone realizes I'm dead. That would surely give him the runs....

The "F" File

2009-10-11T08:06:00.003-07:00

Often we use words out of context for a variety of emotions. Those words carry meaning for us in connotations that express aggression, act as a question, or even become defensive.

This is not a first for me to elaborate on, but it is a way for me to get it out of my system.

FUCK
simple mindedness * ignorance * pedophiles * pain * paying interest * shallow people * affordable food being the worst for you * Jon & Kate * four dollars for a cup of coffee * cell phone service * lonliness * not being called back in a timely manner * mind games * incessant whiners * H1N1 * having more bills than paycheck * putting up the wall to keep everyone from seeing true vulnerability * bad drivers * twitter update * love * safety devices that prevent natural selection * facebook status * insincerity * abusive partners * arguments with people you care about * telemarketers * politics * assholes * myspace messages * bad porn * religion * hate crimes * ex's of any kind * false sense of security * not curing anything * disposable relationships * hurting children * 66 hours of work for 8 hours of recreation * drug addiction * rape * recession * dishonesty * snobs * biting your lip * broken hearts * bad service * smoking * stress * holding back the tears * disappointment * liars * leaving your windows down in the rain * lay-offs * headaches * mental illness * sucking it up * cheaters * bad weather * taking pills for everything * uncomfortable shoes * pet hair on everything * not using "fuck" more * expensive repair bills * emotional scars * not getting over "it" * wrong place * wrong time * getting lost * suicide * commercials on the internet * lo-jacking a car and missing a child * overpopulation * housing bubble * depression * computer viruses * not hearing "I miss you" enough * broken nail * allergies * violence * immortality * political correctness * racisim * bad hygiene * and fuck people that just don't get it...

there.

Skills, Pills, and Absence of Thrills

2009-09-20T20:34:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow will start the fifth week of being out of work. I hate not having work. I feel nn-productive, unimportant, and very depressed. Then to add insult to injury I haven't been on my meds for over 2 months now. Partly becuase they cost too damn much, and partly because I gained 20lbs on them, and felt numb. Then to add insult to injury, I have once again successfully pushed everyone away. I don't feel that I can't count on anyone, but I really wish I wasn't going through this alone. And I know I am. I feel that I am so very alone on this. It has drained all of my confidence, and flattened all of my self worth. I am strongly considering closing the clothing line, and just doing whatever I need to do to not be out on the streets. I keep telling myself that I need to take a job that will pay me a certain wage, but really.... there are no offers, period. At least not in anything I applied for. I have 3 on the hook right now, but they seem to be taking forever to solidify - and I am in "panic mode" (ahem... I've been in "panic mode" since day one, right after "pissed-off mode" wore off)! I just feel worthless.

Tomorrow holds hope, I believe that.

b.

8 Things List - Annoying Things (People) at the Grocery Store

2009-09-20T19:40:00.002-07:00

The People Whose Kids Push the Damn Shopping Cart! These little urchins are the ones to blame for the wheels not working! They push the carts into displays, brothers, sisters, and occasionally me! HEY! I'm not the guy to push your damn cart into - ever!
Those People Who Use That Useless "Car" Cart! Alright, I agree this is supposed to be a great idea - in theory only!! But I hear more parents saying "Now stay in the cart! Stay in cart! Now stay in the cart! Please stay in the cart! Okay, stay in the cart!" I'm all about the little "Smart Car" attached to the cart because I spent most of my childhood riding under the cart (I know for a fact, the cart was shallow, and I could indeed ride under it), but between that cart and the "two seater", I've had it!
The Person Who Talks On Their Cellphone Through The Entire Store! They either don't see you and cut you off, or they don't know how loud they are talking, or both!! But I can tell you I have lost all patience with these people, and it is only a matter of time before I accidently run into them with my cart...
The Person Who Hogs The Whole Department! These people blcok the entire meat section with their kids, their spouse, and their cart! And it doesn't end there! Anyplace that has limited space, you can count on these people to HOG it all! And that is exactly where their kids are playing hopscotch, double-dutch, tag, hide-and-go-seek...ugh! How 'bout get the hell out of the way - NOW!
The Person That Let's Their Kids Do The Shopping! Okay, I was allowed to "pick a cereal", and I thought I was given the best job in the world - but these kids are picking stuff all over the store! How does this annoy me you ask? Well, let me tell you! One aisle it's picking their Lunchables, the next aisle it's cookies, the next aisle it's ice cream, the next is chips, then there's juices and none of these little decision makers can make a damn decision. Which means every aisle all you can hear are children arguing and whining, and talking back to their parents, and throwing fits... There was a reason I very rarely took my kids to the grocery store....
People Who Ambush You In Front Of The Store! I used to understand this concept when I ate Girl Scout Cookies since this may have been the only way I would get any GS cookies (thanks to the Phillip Garrido's of the world, now we won't let our kids go door-to-door anymore). So instead they "stage" and ambush in front of the store. Between the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Soccer Team, Baseball Team, and local Newspaper, you don't stand a chance leaving with any of your money afer a visit! I never made my kids stand out in front of a store to sell fund raising crap. I had them call relatives, and go up and down the block - or I paid for the required amount and just threw the crap out (or you received it for a gift...)!
The Cashier Or Bagger Who Comments On Your Purchases! It's kinda of like the "Target Girl" on SNL, but multiply it by 20! I have certain lines I will absolutely not go in, and we are talking about 3 different stores around my home! "Oh I just love this brand!" or "How do you like that item?" I will tell you that if it wasn't for self check, I might never buy certain items again! They pay no attention to who is around, nor do they have any tact when they open their mouths..!
The Token "SLOW" Person Hey listen, don't get me wrong! It's less about the person him/her self, and more about why they are there or what they are expected to do. It's bad enough the cashier isn't thinking and is saying your items out loud (always in no particular order either... "Condoms....(beep)... Peanut Butter...(beep)...Dog Biscuts...(beep)... " It really get's odd when you have that one (or a couple) of mentally challenged folk either repeating it even louder, or asking you five times if you found everything ok! Or they insist on carrying something out for you, or they are wandering around your vehicle with a cart you are certain it's only a matter of time before they smash it right into door. really?

A Tough Weak...?

2009-08-09T19:21:00.002-07:00

This week is supposed to be pretty much the end of pain and confusion. I am at odds on so many levels, but the one thing I'm not - is scared.

It will be a comfortable week, yet a tough one. There is no anxiety, yet I am considering so many changes in my life.

I make no promises, so I lie to no one.

I count my losses, and walk away from the table. I don't want to play anymore...

...check please.

Adderall, Lexapro, and Life...

2009-08-02T21:48:00.003-07:00

I have been off of all of my meds for about 2 weeks, and I've found myself in a variety of tailspins.

As I approach what I consider one of the most detrimental times of my life ~ it would only make sense to be all I can be "full strength". Everthing has been falling into it's proverbial place consciously, as well as subliminally.

I have approached a financial collapse, mental exhaustion, and physical neglect - while approaching "Plan 42". I didn't plan the merge, it has all just continued along its' course like speeding trains converging head-on. I have lived with it since I was 14....

I feel numb and uninterested, yet the smallest things fill my eyes, and twist my heart. I am emotional, aggressive, and completely off task ~ and I really don't give a damn.

The apparel line is stagnant, the career is rocky, I am getting rid of things right and left, and I couldn't care less.

It really is important that I get through the next couple of weeks ...kind of as if my life depended on it, huh?

I have never felt more powerful or more in control.

frightening..........

If Chivalry Isn't Dead, I may have to kill it...

2009-07-22T19:27:00.002-07:00

I have never been a fan of dating, however I can't say that I hate..... alright, I absolutely hate it!

Friends set you up with women who are completely insane, or unattractive - or both! Dating sites are the equivalent of the JC Penny's Christmas Catalog, where there is so much to see that all you want to do is see who might be on page 20, or who might be there tomorrow, or if this person responds, i'm not answering the other one! Ridiculous!

Then, once you are on the date it is like Ground Hog's Day! Same questions, same answers, same excuses, same general interests!

"I don't normally kiss on the first date."
"I am totally over my ex, but blah blah blah about him!"
"I LOVE to go to Broncos Games/Av's Games/The Palm/Elways/Snowboarding...etc!"
"I normally don't do THIS on the first date! I don't know what came over me...?"

Whatever!

Then there is this "thing", this new buzz word...... Chivalry! You read it on profiles. You hear it regurgitated on the phone, around other women drinking coffee;

"Oh, I totally believe in chivalry!"
"What ever happened to chivalry?"
"What is wrong with today's men? Is Chivalry dead?"

Without getting specifically into the definition (you can look that up yourself), let's just dig a little and see if we can deduce to what context chivalry is meant in today's reference...

Opening a door for a woman? Opening a door for anyone is just good manners.
Holding a woman's hand while she walks on ice in heels? Not necessary - if you don't want to date her anymore! You should always help her walk on ice - heels, slippers, tennis shoes!
Pushing in/Pulling out a chair for a lady at dinner? Yes!
Standing while she leaves or arrives? Certainly!
Putting your jacket over a puddle? Not sure if that one still applies...

What about paying for things? Does that constitute chivalry or just being a man? And is that part of what is expected while on a date?

I have a hard time with chivarly. I didn't grow up with any of it in my house as a kid. My father felt that everyone was subservient to him - including, and especially - women! It was the way he acted and the way he treated people - except when he wanted something from someone. Now that isn't why I have a hard time with it. My issue is that my mother, once divorced from my father, became a very independent woman. She was strong, self-sufficient, and very opinionated. She dated. And I am quite sure that she appreciated doors being opened, and chairs being pushed in - hell, who wouldn't. But even though we had no money, if she went out with someone, she didn't expect that person to just pick up the tab simply because he was a man and she was a woman. Call that equality, or just being stubborn - but I found a respect in that.

So as I think of some of the last dates that I have been on, I reflect on some very off-sided things that I have seen - and wonder what part is chivalry - and what part is.... shallow!

I dated one woman who told me of an ex of hers that asked her to visit him in another state (long distance relationships just don't work...), and when she got there (on his dime) she got upset with him when he asked her to split costs on some of the activities. She was physically upset a year later while telling me the story! The whole story was how HE was a selfish ass! There is certainly another side of that story I would like to hear!
Another woman I dated for almost 6 weeks - and every time the tab would come for drinks, or a meal - she wouldn't even flinch towards picking up the bill. And on our dates, if I didn't buy dinner, I made dinner. When I had finally expressed my observation that she had never made a meal or even acted like she was going to, she then started paying for an occasional lunch, and I think, one dinner.
And yet another woman told me while on a date that she really enjoys going to sporting events, however when I mentioned that I rarely go to pro games because of ticket prices and would rather catch a college game in which the tickets are about twenty bucks or so - her reply was that the Broncos and Avs tickets aren't much more than that!! I knew that either she had probably not been to any games, or she had not paid for the games she did go to (those tickets are typically $60-$300 depending on the seating)!

Unfortunately, as a single father - who is having his own financial obstacles, paying for everything doesn't constitute chivalry - it simply means that I have an additional mouth to feed. It means that I am not in a relationship that wants to share life with me - but a relationship that sees me as an activity ticket. I'm not fifty percent of a whole, but one hundred percent of a half.

I am a firm believer that while everyone deserves to be treated with manners and respect, I am not on board with being the complete bankroll of the relationship.

For those that are still curious ~ Today, the terms chivalry and chivalrous are used to describe courteous behavior, especially that of men towards women. One of chivalry's classifications are duties to women. This is probably the most familiar aspect of chivalry. This would contain what is often called "courtly love", the idea that the knight is to serve a lady, and after her all other ladies. Most especially in this category is a general gentleness and graciousness to all women. "Courtly love" which is not strictly platonic and carries with it references to erotic embraces and illicit love affairs.

Hmm.... manners, gentleness, graciousness, and courtly love....?

Maybe I am chivalrous after all.

Welcome To The Jungle File

2009-06-30T20:52:00.005-07:00

Conquest Vehicle Inc's flagship vehicle, the KNIGHT XV defines the future of the ultra-luxurious, handcrafted fully armoured SUV. This one-of-a-kind, V10, 6.8-litre, Bio-fuel powered SUV was inspired by the Gurkha military vehicle (built by Armet Armored Vehicles Ltd.) and features security appointments that are unrivaled in today's SUV marketplace. The production of the KNIGHT XV will be limited to 100 vehicles.
Are you ready to be Knighted?

Upgrades Include;

Interior Appointments

Optional seating (from boardroom seating to first class aircraft sleeper)
Driver partition (with two way intercom) may be ordered with or without hydraulic window drive
Electrostatic window opaqueing (tinting) system, sides and rear
Large flat screen TV
Window privacy screens
Black Box
Cigar Humidor
Security safe

Security Appointments

Surveillance cameras
External Listening Device
Under vehicle magnetic attachment detector
GPS Transmitter
Bolt lock door system
Search spot light (roof mounted)
Oxygen survival kit for inside front and rear compartment
External smoke security system, sides and rear (available where permitted)
Exhaust System wire mesh tailpipe protection

How Armored Is It - you ask!?

http://www.conquestvehicles.com/documents/KnightXV_Protection_Level_Charts.pdf

price - $290,000.00

Gimme Two!

What The Hell File??

2009-06-30T20:20:00.002-07:00

Frank M. Lombard, 42, was arrested last week at his home in Durham, North Carolina. During an Internet chat, Lombard allegedly offered the child to the person he was chatting with, who was a task force officer from Washington's Metropolitan Police, the FBI said in a statement.

The chat was initiated after a confidential source facing child pornography charges told authorities they had witnessed a man, allegedly Lombard, performing sex acts on a child over the Internet. During the chat, according to the complaint filed against Lombard, he told the officer that he had performed multiple sex acts on the boy and that the officer could do the same if he came to Durham.

Listen people, This guy was/is the Assistant Director of Health Policy at Duke University! This department handles everything from orphans in Africa, to HIV issues! hmm... and to think... he made it all the way to the police station without a scratch...

What do you do...

2009-05-11T20:46:00.002-07:00

What do you do;

When goodbyes hurt
When silence becomes more comforting than laughter
When sex is not enough, and a relationship is too much
You don't want to change, but you want to change....
Walking away from everyone makes more sense than trying to explain
You need no one, but you want everyone!
When you try to be good, but being bad seems to be what entices you...
When you desire something simple, but always end up in something intricate and difficult

Why is it that sensitivity always seems to get its' ass kicked by hedonism....

reflection of death and dismay...

2009-05-05T19:51:00.003-07:00

I have been through alot of pain in my life. And I sometimes wonder "why me?" and why someone else can't take it all on. I have lived with the separation of it all and have become numb over the years - but today I found out that one of my cousins took her life last week. And I also found out that another cousin of mine was shot 8 times by his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. This seems to be a trend with one particular side of the family - and it seems very odd that all of the connections are so close.

A Great Grandmother died of "Sterno" poisoning (yes, the heating fuel - yes, from drinking it)!
A Great Grandfather had a Codeine addiction (kept a case - yes, a case of cough syrup in the car)
One Uncle had Paranoia Scizophrenia - and a drug addiction. He died in a police chase (car exploded upon impact of an embankment).
One Aunt died of a drug overdose. She was in her house five weeks before she was found.
One Uncle has a drug addiction and spends part of the year travelling to Asia to feed his habit.
One Aunt is an absolute raging Alcoholic. The airlines wouldn't let her fly home because she was way too drunk to board the plane.
Another Uncle was such an alcoholic, he had to be put on a river barge so he had no access to alcohol. If he drank, things were thrown, people were hospitalized (generally him).
One Grandfather had Alzheimers so bad, he drove the family car, wrecked it (totalled it), and walked away with few scratches - and no one knew where the car was.
One Aunt was married to a raging Alcoholic -and he cut her face up with a liquor bottle

The list really doesn't end there.... but to go into much more detail would only add insult to injury - and probably upset my mother enough to have her shake her head at me in disappointment (which kills me).

I sometimes wonder where I get my addictions, my aggression, my depression, and my mental offsets....

Quaeque ipse misserrima vidi, et quorum pars magna fui.

All of which misery I saw, part of which I was.

Storm Before The Calm

2009-04-19T07:21:00.002-07:00

Slowly it falls,
Surrounding me,
Gaining depth,
Taking over.

The pressure,
Indolent,
Patient,
Hungry,
Expansive.

Peering out,
Prying back,
Pulling in,
Pushing forward.

Forever?
Not likely.

Relief?
Not historically.

Trepidation,
Obvious.
Sanguine,
Impassively.

Today?
Let's just make it through today....

Random

2008-12-25T19:16:00.002-07:00

sitting on my bed
i stare down the street
at the tens of tens of houses
lights flickering

their on
off
on again
pulse of life
thought
and motion

like watching ants move
bees fly
water ripple
and rain fall

random
fluid
patterned
unpredictable

staring
hypnotized
frozen
paralyzed

calculably
one houses' lights
go forever black
and die for the night

while the others'
move along
seemingly becoming brighter
in the absence of
their fallen compatriot

the pulses
seem to wroth together at times
only to offset
by the next flash

i try to anticipate
by pure rote
the subsequent death
with unrest of expectation

i want them to die
their lives to cease
their beauty to flatline
the joy to expire

i have found myself more preoccupied
with their decline
than absorbing
the glamor they bring

please pull the plug...

...Sleep in Heavenly Peace

2008-12-25T18:40:00.002-07:00

Well, it's over.

Another Christmas. Another year. Another very predictable year.

Y'know when you listen to a vinyl record and it gets to the end of the album - and you hear the needle rubbing against the label of the record skipping back into the void space - and it keeps making that repeated noise that kind of sounds like "ke ke whrrr, ke ke whrrr"? That is exactly how this year went for me.

I've avoided some potential relationships, and actually have strong regrets about turning my back on someone very special. As always... I am sure that too will callous, and the walls will stay high. There are things that I seem to do only to test my ability to walk away, and to sometimes prove to myself that no one... no one... stays. Outside I am disconnected. Inside, I am screaming for freedom from the prison I've built.

I am terrified that someone will see me for me. That the gloss and the "new car smell" will wear off, and that everyone will see how vulnerable I really am. That just feeling the breathe of someone as they hold you is sometimes the difference between a night of tears and a night hoping the that the sun never rises so that the evening will never end. It is both commiserable and frightening.

This year, next year is plan 42. Hmm... If I was ever looking for a Christmas miracle, an answered prayer, or a presidential pardon... this would be the year.

Merry Christmas.

What is there to be afraid of.....

2008-11-16T21:55:00.002-07:00

I realize that as I grow older death is something that I need to deal with. I've basically dealt with it since childhood, expecting it if not anticipating it. It has ruled more of my life than I have wanted it to. And it has been the white picket fence around my world - becoming part of the wall that has both protected me from the outside, and imprisoned me on the inside. I've kept myself...errr... I've protected others from being invovled with me so that neither party would get emotionally attached. And odd enough, death has always stood near me with its exit strategy for me if things became overwhelming.

As I have become more and more comfortable with being alone, and not feeling as if "that" someone is the answer to all of my questions, problems, and prayers, I find myself wanting that person there because I want to touch them, share with them, and breathe them in......

isolation

2008-11-11T21:12:00.004-07:00

while i know that being without someone significant in my life is my choice, there is something to be said of the isolation. It's similar to solitary confinement. And most of the time, I don't seem to mind.

as a relationship opens things about me, that I try to keep closed. Debt, procrastination, sensitivities, fears. it also fills voids in my life that although i can live without - i crave. discussions, disagreement, encouragement, structure, and touch.

i have no problem being alone, at least in the theory that i accept that i may never get married again, or get into a relationship that isn't anything more than "filling the void". I have to have "it"! "it" being the one that has attitude, personality, sex appeal, and intelligence.

but right now, i feel alone. the holidays are not my favorite, and i feel sad.

i am almost 90 days into my "plan 42", and as my goal is to find whatever it is that diffuses that bomb, I really have little reason to defer the plan.

everday it's in my head......

the meds don't curb it, and my heart wants the pain to stop.

I miss you.

I only bleed out the loneliness

2008-09-19T21:55:00.010-07:00

I bleed out the loneliness
drop by drop
cut by cut
slice by slice

weak
refreshed
exhilarated
exhausted

the evil escapes
numbness is replaced by movement
which is soon replaced by pain
and that is eventually replaced by numb again

slowly I scab
scar
and callous

only to bleed out tomorrow...

Inhale

2008-09-19T21:32:00.002-07:00

i breathe in your total being
sweet
energetic
wholesome

i try to hold you in
deep
full
completely

light headed
dizzy
intoxicated

i exhale only to breathe you deeper
into my heart
my soul
me

a rountine....

2008-08-02T06:49:00.002-07:00

I am finally back on my meds! I have been off of them for about a month, with noticeable differences at around two weeks. It wasn't because I couldn't afford them, or really busy.... more like I just didn't feel like fuckin' getting them.

While on them - I would have break outs, piercing headaches, and no libido (which is great as a "giver"....!!).

But off them - I am impatient, unfocused, agitated, and sex driven. Oh, and the headaches are minimized....

just another reason to keep going.... or quit.

bs

my own worst enemy....

2008-07-28T20:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes
I never want to leave,
But most times
I never want to stay.

There are moments when I hurt others,
but most of the time I just want to hurt myself.

I don't care about things around me,
yet I constantly look for approval.

I yearn for touch,
yet no one is allowed near me.

the pain makes me cry and urges comfort,
but I push away knowing that everyone will eventually leave.

eventually turn

eventually give up

eventually forget

there is little patience for my sorrow,
and even less for my frustration.

and my solution.....

is my end.

Absence makes the heart grow.......

2008-07-06T21:05:00.002-07:00

My approach is casual, if not completely lacking of focus.

I am told that it's not the destination, but the journey that makes it all worthwhile. I've never been in the position to stop and smell the roses, as the roses were never in my yard, and the yard clearly had "No Trespassing" posted around its' perimeter. It was always the goal to get to the destination, only to figure out that no one, including me ~ had any idea where the damn destination was.....

I have put my feelings on such a unreachable platform that not only can I not reach them at the moment, but I am beginning to convieniently forget where the platform is.

no worries.

whoever finds them, will most certainly return them.

...they are the bruised ones with a thick skin, and a very small squishy center..... if found, reward is certain.

(bs)

Keep your friends close....

2008-06-29T17:00:00.002-07:00

While keeping people in your life tends to be something that we do as a precautionary measure to keep our family, home, and person safe & secure ~ taking people out of your life seems effortless and without remorse.

Or maybe that is just me.

I've been taking people out of my life since I was old enough to know why they were in my life in the first place. I have used people in my life, and equally I have been used by people as well. It's give and take, right? Relationships are supply and demand, right? Sure, why not...

I have something you want. And you have something that I want as well.

Money... Sex... Emotion... Touch... Experience... Confidence... Companionship... Therapy... Abuse... Insight...

It's all there. A bartering system of physical, monetary, and emotional inventory.

...not all money for sex. Sometimes, money for confidence, therapy for insight, touch for abuse, sex for experience, and emotion for companionship...

There is a price... and a return.

If trust and understanding, devotion and commitment find there way into the mix... well, there is a price for that as well.

You don't have to sell your soul to the devil to get what you want out of life. But without the understanding of your "agreement", you may very well give your soul to the next best thing ~ a significant other.

They'll know your secrets, your strengths, and your fears. Love plays no part in this. This is strategy. I don't mind submitting to someone intellectually, physically, sexually, emotionally... but not out of fear. I will submit out of passion, out of devotion, and out of pure emotion. However I have yet to do so in my life. At least not on the level that I would like.

Maybe sometimes I yearn to hurt ~ to cry ~ to break. To give myself entirely to one person, and submit my being and everything about it, risking all collapse. Exposing myself to ridicule, to judgement. Opening myself up to rejection or embarrasment.

...or maybe even ultimate success and fullfillment.

It would mean taking a few bricks off of the wall. A wall so carefully constructed that I can look out of it, talk around it, and still be thouroughly protected by it.

I just don't know.

My success is limited by my risk. And my risk is minimal.

Untitled

2008-06-29T16:43:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, it's like

hearing the air move room to room...

feeling the ice crack beneath each step...

running your finger gently down the edge of a razorblade...

smelling the storm at midnight...

sensing the heartbreak...

harvesting the disease...

breathing in death...

watching the decline...

drinking the kool-aid...

submitting to the domination...

swallowing the pill...

holding in the scream...

bracing for the fall...

accepting the rejection...

taking the bullet...

...or

just feeling darkness embrace you like it's missed you...

welcome home...

Staring Into Darkness

2008-06-03T22:03:00.002-07:00

Standing next my obstacles,
...I feel small

Climbing to meet my expectations,
...expells my confidence

Wearing my heart on my sleeve
...violates me

Watching the world through my eyes
...hardens my soul

Tasting the fruit of the Earth
...makes me nauseous

Forgiving
...breaks my will

Forgetting
...causes .... well.....

Staring into darkness
...my future is inevitable

Random...Randum...Radum....Redum...Redrum....

2008-05-30T20:35:00.008-07:00

What do you see.....?

Sandals with Hose!

Don't pick on the odd little girl in your class.... she might just run the country one day!

Why I don't do marathons....

Hey, I've got to run...

Gas Pricing

What the hell....

What If I Wasn't In Your Life Anymore...

2008-05-30T19:50:00.006-07:00

What if I wasn't in your life anymore?

Who would make sure that you got through college?
Who would you talk to about your problems?
Who would walk you?
Who would pay you for the therapy?
Who would call you on Mother's Day?
Who would fill your ball full of treats?
Who would take care of you?
Who would love you?
Who would make sure that you got up and got to school on time?
Who would I get my prescriptions from?
Who would I cry over?
Who would I get mad at?
Who would hold me?
Who would I think about?

Who would hurt me?

Who would lie to me?

Who would cheat on me?

Who would I depend on?

Who would talk me out of destruction?

Who would jump on me when I got home?

Who would care if I even got home?

would you even notice?

I really don't think you would....

I Hate Onions.....

2008-05-09T21:19:00.002-07:00

as I peel back the layers of my soul, i realize several things.

*one ~ that no matter how much therapy i put myself through, plan 42 is still very real in my world.

*B ~ I'm not 30 anymore. I'm not 30 anything anymore.

*tres ~ There are times in my life where the laughing stops. Completely still.

*IV ~ i may never have a regular relationship.

*X ~ when I close my eyes, it induces pure vertigo.

*XX ~ people are very glad they are not me.

Where is My Mind?

2008-04-06T21:17:00.010-07:00

I open my eyes to complete darkness. There is zero negotiating as the room gives me nothing for my efforts for a single image. Not a silhouette. Nothing. No matter how hard I squint, or how long I stare in one direction, I'd might as well have not even tried.

I'm free to move about. But without a destination, movement seems puerile. I'm not timorous of my enviroment, just thick. And even though I haven't one reference point, I am addled and off balance. Like floating or suspended.

My first reaction is to speak. While the tenbrosity of my surroundings doesn't absorb my chattering, I fail to listen for a response. Or care if there is one. I am content with my own monotone dribble which seems temporarily comfort me and takes my mind off of my sense in accurately assessing my surroundings.

While my other faculties are working overtime trying to adjust to my newfound blindness, my sanity has yet to tabulate a checkmark in either the "W" or the "L" column as to whether I have any idea what the fuck is going on.

I am torpid, as there is no urgency in escaping my current situation. No harm inflicted. No struggle to escape. I am not trapped, yet I am isolated to the point of abandonment.

I take a very careful step, and celebrate a direction without repent. I take another, and start to recognize that while completely absent of navigation, I am no longer where I originally started.

..and with that, everything starts to change.

2008-03-23T22:28:00.001-07:00

The once hairline crack has slowly become larger. I can peel parts of it away and reveal what was once a new layer that was covered once it had become less appealing. Its colors faded, but still a refreshing change from what I see today. And it too peels away to another layer of yet a familiar but very distant color of a time before… and long ago. Now I find myself obsessed with the colors, the textures, the memories. The layers peel inconsistent and sporadic. Some layers peel easily, while others are certainly permanent no matter what the force is. Each time I pick a piece off, it has meaning and explanation. Explanation that while exposed was dangerous. But no matter how long it takes to peel the layers, no matter what I think I have accomplished, one thing remains.

The wall.

C

something simple

2008-01-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

So loudly I knock
no answer at heavens door
wrong address today

Checklist for 2008.....

2007-12-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

...normally I practice all resolutions from birthday to birthday, but as I just wanted to get 2007 behind me. I have decided to work up a list for 2008;

Checklist 2008 (no particular order)

Product Line

Website

Patent Submission

Travel more

Fall in love

More time with the boys

... I will be adding to this list......

.....take another little piece of me heart...

2007-12-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

you can never break my heart,
if I never give you enough to break.
with each block I confidently remove,
my doubt puts up three.
with each positive step I take towards the light,
my insecurities drag me back into the darkness.
and when I look at you and smile,
my soul cries.
if you only knew how much I wanted to give,
or how bad I needed to be told it was alright to be scared,
my strength is real,
my soul burns,
my breath shortens.
but you can never break my heart,
If I never give you enough to break.

you may just have to take it...

What Am I Looking For.....?

2007-12-03T21:19:00.000-07:00

My most recent visit to the Witch Doctor opened several doors and revealed some pretty tight aspects of my life that I never took the time to realize... until now.

The main topic of our discussion was my investment in other people. I was asked if I wanted a relationship, and if I did - what was my view of an ideal person for that connection.

My Ideal would have these qualities (in no particular order...);

Cute with highlights of sexy & provocative!
Low Maintenance with the appreciation of the things that matter!
Low Drama but passionate, very passionate!
Able to tell me exactly how she feels about me - and not say a word!
Flirtatious without infidelity.
Mature while keeping the devilish smile of immaturity
Respectful & Independent
Able to take a compliment, and give one without jealousy.
The sensitivity of a lady, and the sexuality of a whore, and everything in between...

My "list" doesn't have a body type, a height requirement, or an income level. I don't have a particular age in mind, nor do I care if they have been married 9 times (9 may be a bit too much...)! I care about being myself around them.

Without judgement, without fear, without barriers.

Fog

2007-11-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

The fog this morning made it almost impossible to see anything. Thick, overwhelming, and consuming everything outside of arms length.

The air outside sent chills through my coat, my shirt, my skin... attacking my bones, and surrounding my teeth.

The world is waging its' own war between gradients of brown and shades of grey.

I move through my day, the world truculently crticising every step.

Silhouettes of movement in my peripheral, muffled sounds blocked by white noise. Loud white noise.

Nothing exists in whole today as particles come together forming mutated compilations of versimilitude.

The reality of my enviroment is an ongoing dream sequence into what seems to be a constant loop of mediocrity, the absense of vehemence, and the ever presence of incuriosity.

Knowing that many live with warmth and color 24 7 365 makes me wonder if a change in scenery would mollify my darkening soul.

Closing my eyes I remember. No one sees what I see. No one feels what I feel.

My darkness, and my chills are mine alone.

While I am sometimes abandoned in the world, my darkness embraces me like a lover, and cares for me like a child.

It is both predictable and dependable.

And occasionally an absolute monster exuding absolute fear.

Many days are spent eluding the darkness, escaping fear. But I am a progeny of the silence, violence, and absence.

And as the sun finally cuts through the haze, and the shadows reveal the objects they represent, I realize that my world does have lucidity, and saturation, And today consequently, snow.

My Friend the Witch Doctor

2007-11-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

As I think about the things that matter to me, I always come up with the same things; my boys, Jake, and......... oh, that's it!

On my recent visit to the Witch Doctor, we discussed my relationships, or rather lack thereof, and if being in a relationship even interests me.

Now, he knows that I want a relationship. And he also knows that like that little kid on your block plucking the wings off of butterflies one wing at a time, to see if they will still live - I have picked apart people in my life, so they absolutely never stand a chance of ever fitting in to my life. It's a defense mechanism that keeps everyone out, and me longing forever...

So back to the actual discussion of how my $200 an hour sessions go -

I am probably in the best mental health today than I have ever been in my entire life. I am happy. I have my creativity back. I try to be positive everyday (ha!) - I do though! I am still very self concious, extremely shy, my self esteem is building though, and I am in control. Those are all good things!!

But relationships terrify me.

I have found that over the last couple of years that I have been stereotyping (or more like profiling) women due to their possessions. Material things don't make me happy. Through two divorces I have literally lost just about everything. The first divorce, I walked away from everthing (stupid!), and within five years and a re-do, I lost it all! A dropped housing market left me in the hole, and with little more (or less) than I walked into it with. I don't own a home, and I have my share of bills - which doesn't make me attractive fiscally. I have had the homes, the cars, the vacations, and at the end of the day I was no happier - in fact I was miserable. Alot of it came from growing up without it. I wasn't happy as a little boy without it - so having must be the key to unlocking happiness, right? So materialistic people tire me. A nice car, I can appreciate. Quality clothes are good money spent. But when I look across a room and see a woman who looks attractive... nice smile... beautiful eyes... curves... and then I see it all!!!!

POW!

Tiffany bracelet... Coach shoes... Tiffany necklace... Fendi bag... Seven jeans... BMW keys on the bar... That's it! No matter what I initally thought, I am already priced out of the market - I cannot afford her! She may not be materialistic (benefit of the doubt), but I will never know, because at that point I have already turned tail and ran. As much as I appreciate success in a person, I don't feel that it has to be worn on your sleeves to be admired.

My Witch Doctor asked if it that "type of woman" was prominent because of the places I go. Yes. Yes it is. Well, at least some of the places I go. Change my enviroment? Maybe. Stop picking the wings off of the butterflies? I should.

I just know that there will be that one butterfly that will land on my hand, with the most beautiful wings. The most beautiful, imperfect, maybe even torn a little bit, wings. It won't be scared. And I won't let anything hurt it. And no matter where I go, it will be there.

hmm.... another session, another two hundred dollars, or another Tiffany Heart Tag toggle bracelet....

...time to clean!

C

2007-11-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dear God

2007-10-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
You and I have always had this very strange relationship primarily based on me questioning your intentions or even your very existence.

As my mind tries to process my role in life, I don't pretend to understand my significance or how the game as a whole is played. I have never asked to be enlightened, and I have never demanded answers. I just never understood my role. I have never went out trying to see exactly where I fit in.. I never thought I could ask such a question, because honestly I never felt there was anyone out there to provide me with those answers.
I don't consider myself a saint in any way, shape, or form ~ and often refer to myself as quite the opposite ~ the epitome of evil! I have seen some horrific things in my life, and I have done some things in my life I am not proud of. I have broke almost every commandment once (some four times), without so much as batting an eye. Do I have regrets ~ several. But my regrets are about things I haven't done ~ and rarily about the things I have experienced in my world.
Chances, Choices, Sacrifices, Risks, and most of all ~ Courage! I spent most of my life running and hiding from the world. Continual fear of the violent world that happened behind closed doors... Hate, Agression, Dominance, Oppression, and the embodiment of absolute evil. It kept me from being like everyone else. I thought everyone hated me like "he" did. Under the microscope, every move, every word, every emotion ~ monitored, judged, corrected.... or even executed! I lived empty, alone, scared, and numb. An emptiness that although is filling up today, keeps me guarded with how and whom I share my world with. Anyone reading this knows that these are not the words that come out of my mouth ~ but only the words I write to avoid the confrontation that I may once again be out of line, or too emotional, or rather just too open period.

My melancholy moods and my venture to the dark side still exist deep within my soul pulling me inwards for a reunion of demons that remind me of my imperfections, insecurities, and inability to let anyone see me for what I truly am ~ a delicate soul, a scared child, an angry son, a hopeless romantic, a physically intense lover, a proud father, and an emotional train wreck! Those very demons encourage my downfall, and remind of a time when the only true solution was to not participate at all (yes, in a very permanent way)! These demons tell me that I am continually being judged, compared, and evaluated by everyone from friends, to lovers, from employers, to anyone I meet casually while out with friends. Not paranoia, but raw insecurity. There was a time when hate replaced love, although Jealousy could have ran rampant through my veins ~ I just accepted that as people walked out of my life, there was nothing I could do to stop them, and that I was just prolonging the inevitable.

I find myself heated, frustrated, and thoroughly confused. Why? Why me? Why couldn't I have just a regular life? Something that allowed me to try, to fail, and to try again. Why couldn't I have some normal emotions? Why are all my emotions 100% in every fucking direction, and yet emotionally unavailable to everyone? I am scared that as I lay it out there, it will not be returned. So I put myself in physical, unemotional situations that I know from the beginning will never result in permanance. But I hope for it everyday, and cycle through the series of "crushes", playing ten, twenty, thirty year sections in my head an looking within myself to see if I am ready today. I want to be ready today. I really want to be ready today!

As I write to you, I realize that I am really just writing to myself, just like any other day. I don't expect miracles. I don't look for signs. My religion is more of a Karma that I feel will come around if I just take the energy around me and continue to project it in a positive manner. I am passionate. I am excited. But most of all, I am completely terrified.

I need strength. I need patience. I need positive energy. And I need to recognize when my opportunity is standing right in front of me.

Godammit, wake up!

Love you,
Love,
Me.

Random Sh..Stuff for October 16th

2007-10-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

well, since my blogger is screwing up the uploads, you get very little today......

The "WTF?" File

Alright, remember those days when you went to the zoo and the elephant came over and took the peanut from your hand and left that little "mud" ring on your hand? ....well, it wasn't mud!

The "You Know You Want It" File

Makes you hungry for a foot long huh?

The "WTF?" File Part Two

I don't really know what to think of this, but I am not alright with a woman standing and smiling at me pointing ~ while I go "tinkle"!

I am having one mounted in my bathroom!!

The "My Life As A Cartoon" File

.......And so starts of the week with a bang!

Slainte!

Someone's Outside

2007-10-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

They gather on my doorstep
one by one
hitting my door
banging on my window
sometimes one
sometimes all
they riot in my driveway
through my backyard
around the house
over the fence
slamming into everything in their path
wilding throughout the neighborhood
they'll return
but not until spring
those damn leaves

untitled 5

2007-10-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

With my eyes closed,
I can see her.
While I inhale, her essence rests on my tongue and her spirit rushes through my nose.
I can feel her heat, while no part of her ever touches me.
I shiver at the sound of her exhale, while chills travel through my very being.
She excites me,
intimidates me,
and controls me.
I try to move, but I am restrained.
I attempt to speak, but no sounds project.
I know the game, and I am anxious to participate.
I want to sacrifice, submit, and surrender.
My thoughts balance obedience, respect, & worship.
As I tremble in anticipation, I open my eyes to complete darkness.
My soul no longer captive, my body no longer serving.
I remember that once again I went to bed alone...

Some Random Sh....Stuff!

2007-08-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

I Hate This Guy File...

His name is Ira Rennert. He owns Humvee. Real estate magnates claim if this house was ever put on the market it would be valued the most expensive home globally. His 100,000 square foot (9,000 m²) home, dubbed Fair Field (named after the adjoining body of water, Fairfield Pond), faces the Atlantic Ocean and is perched on 63 acres. The buildings have an Italianate facade, 29 bedrooms, and 39 bathrooms. A dozen chimneys tower from the Mediterranean-style tile roof. The formal dining room stretches 91 feet in length. That's three feet shorter than a basketball court—another amenity Fair Field has, along with a bowling alley, a pair each of tennis and squash courts, and a $150,000 hot tub, according to building plans and other documents filed with Southampton town hall. Its property taxes in 2004 were $392, 610.24.

(Hmmm.... and we're mad at all the oil tycoons that are making money off of us stupid Americans...????)

Totally PC File

My Perfect Date File

Real Women Have Curves File

For Sale: My Whole Being

2007-08-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

I don't mind dating.... Scratch that.... I hate dating. At least in the sense of selling myself as a potential partner - lover – boyfriend – spouse – fuck buddy!

My ears stick out; I'm bald now, hell... I'm 40 now. I've been divorced twice, lost literally a "shit load" of money on the last one (now, breathe....), and although I am a pretty athletic guy, I am still "stocky", or stout, definitely an "athletic" build – never to be confused with "skinny"... or even "average". (There you go! If you ever needed a reason not to date me – I've given you six!)

Without going on and on about that... (Which I could very easily just write about my self esteem), I realize that sometimes I try so hard to "fit" that I lose track of who I am.
I go to bars to see friends. The atmosphere is perfect for people watching, and although I love to control a conversation, I think I read people pretty good. But, I'm not a player, I am not a predator, and I don't manipulate women. In fact, women in a bar situation specifically – intimidate me. Meeting someone at a bar is great, but meeting someone in a bar is quite different for me. The motives of the bar scene is not always a friendly one. Listen, I am not looking for Wal-Mart at the bar, but I don't want Neiman either. Give me "in between" and I will be ecstatic.

I would say that I have tried almost every dating site. I am not alone though. I have run into several of the people that I have expressed interest in on multiple sites too. Whether the site was lifestyle related or it was eHarmony, I never feel that I misrepresented myself.
I do find however, that I try to change who I am, to adapt to what others want out of a relationship so that I may fall into their qualifications. (I know, deep huh? more like pathetic...)
Now going deeper still...

I am the only one who can make "me" happy. You can however enhance my life and add to my happiness. But without my participation, I will never move on.

I have been participating and moving over the last year. I know who I am. I accept and embrace what makes me – me. I don't know where I am going – and I am still anxious about what is around the corner.

I am passionate.. spontaneous.. devoted.. respectful.. caring.. dedicated.. pure.. scared.. brave.. frightened.. courageous... very physical.. extremely mental.. and always full of emotion.

I worship mind, body, and soul. I offer it as my whole being and I expect it in return.
But I will not try to be anything more than what I am – in hopes of getting attention from you.

brooke

...to be continued...

There Is No Profit In The Cure!

2007-05-09T22:19:00.002-07:00

Alright, those of you that actually know me (does anyone really know anyone - whole dif'rent rant, but I DO have an opinion about that too...) know that I have touted this view of the world that was once put to me by my Grandfather (Ar a Shuaimheas (at his rest)) that is simply put;

There Is No Profit In The Cure.

No, this isn't referring to whether Robert Smith makes any money! It is more in the view that by "curing" something has a sometimes extreme effect on us as a society.
...(alright, deeper Brooke) (....wait, I've heard that somewhere before... hmmm... but where......??)

There Is No Profit In The Cure!

Once upon a time, we cured our ills to make our lives better, to make our lives simpler, in some cases to live.
Now, we simply don't need to. We actually spend more money keeping things just the way they are.....
Examples? Sure, why not!

?We Need Enemies! ~ The world needs 'em and the US needs 'em! Enemies create war, war controls population, drives the economy, and ultimately gives us someone to concentrate on besides that jackass next door who let's his dog shit in my yard.... ugh!

?There Will Be No Absolute Cure for any Disease ~ I'm sorry! I believe there will be little solutions here and there, but no ultimate cure! Why do I believe that? Curing Cancer means no more rallying around each other in support of this horrible disease (see enemies above), no more medical investment, and by curing diseases like cancer, jobs go away. Doctors, scientists, researchers, equipment manufacturers, drug companies, insurance companies, so on and so forth. We will come close. We will curb some of it. But we need MS Telethons, and Aids Walks, and Cancer ribbons... and death. Even the Black Death (Plague) which I was told in high school was eliminated, is finding itself in local squirrels again! Polio, Mumps.... isolated cases, but they still show up!

?We Need Death! ~ Roe V Wade will not be overturned anytime soon! We can't do it! Why? Again, we need death! Let's say you cure cancer, aids, heart disease, MS, and everything else that kills. On top of that, you make it so everyone lives well into 100 years old. Add the pro life view into it - OH, and solve the war issues ~ and you have a very very overcrowded little marble! Nobody dies, everyone lives ~ then what? What do all of these people do? They live 40 years past retirement! We don't need as many scientists, or medical field workers since we have cut that industry to a small nub, and by having no war - and we haven't issued "pro-creation cards" by IQ yet ~ so we are screwed as a human race.

?Forget That 100 MPG Engine ~ Eliminate the use for fossil fuels and you will have single handedly killed the Middle East - OH, and Canadian production - OH, and alot of Americans that rely on oil jobs! There will be no total conversion to electrical vehicles or hydrogen vehicles as long as there is money in drilling, processing, leaching, burning, and fighting for fossil fuels. Understand it. A few vehicles sure ~ but don't put your order in for a Hydrogen car just yet.

?Technology is a Bitch to cure as well! ~ Listen, if they made a laptop or a cell phone with everything - would you really need 20 choices? And why would they do that? You would buy the one with everything ~ then Motorola would be out of business after a stellar year the first year. hmm...... Free phone to sign up, can't upgrade until 18-20 months into your contract, but the average cell phone life is 6 months! So you buy two more phones at regular price (cause if they were durable and jammed full of the good stuff, you would need but one EVER!)!

And where do all of these broken phones go? Landfill! Where all the disposable technology goes - computers, TV's, video game consoles and video games, cell phones, and hell anymore house phones! OH and printers! OH and ink cartridges (if I run into the guy that says "I invented the ink cartridge", I'm kicking him square in the balls! ~ just for making that piece of crap so damn small that I print 4 pages and I need a new cartridge!)

If they made these things permanent, you would only need one, right?! Like that old all-wood furniture, quality pre 80's automobiles, and old houses. Where is consumer spending if things don't fall apart and break!?

Anyways, my Grandfathers deal was that if you buy something, buy durable, solid goods! But if you make something ~ make it replaceable, make it disposable ~ or you may only make it once. You have to create a need.
As much as I hate to admit it - I think he really is correct.......

hmm....

Yes...it's time to play!

2007-05-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

Melt in your mouth good.....

Who thinks this up?

What is Black Shamrock?

2007-04-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

What is black shamrock?

I guess it depends on exactly what you want it to be.
If you have ever heard the phrase "The luck of the Irish", then chances are you know what a misnomer that actually is. Throughout history it has never been lucky to be Irish. Potato famine, Oliver Cromwell, pagans, slavery…. The Irish have seen it all!
Or if you know anything about black Irish – which are Irish with a "dark haired gene" which is not as typical as the red head or the blonde head (toe head) that most associate with the Irish. Typically known as the odd one out….
Then there is the simple dark understanding that by taking "luck" and removing all light and color from it ~ it ends up black……… hmm… a four leaf clover that lacks color, warmth, meaning….and luck!

Black Shamrock

….how lucky do you feel?

I don't really worry about what people think anymore.... most people expect that while they may or may not believe in what you say or do - their opinion doesn't really matter in the whole scheme of things.

.... i seem to be in a mood...........

Lists Lists Lists

2007-03-15T07:56:00.001-07:00

Another list that I couldn't keep my hands off of…
(iVillage list)

You Knew It Was Love When...

He showed up at my doorstep, threw up all over, and I didn't even flinch.
(I've been this nervous. What's worse is when you eat before you eat (so you don't look like a pig on your date) and then you yak ~ hopefully the Florence Nightingale thing will kick in!)

It wasn't anything he said or did. It was just that, over time, I came to realize that I'd much rather be with him than without him.
(An "over time" analogy means that someone is actually investing in a relationship – which in the day and age of Match.com's and other dating sites promoting the endless catalog selection of potential temporary mates. You have to stay with it – you have to stop looking over your shoulder for what is behind door number 2, 3, or 25.)

He put his arm around me and said he'd protect me from all the nasty things in the world.
(In another list – there is a comment about men wanting to be "solvers". We really just want to be the "Knight in Shining Armor"!)

We finally met in person after meeting online! That first kiss said it all.
(Maybe – But I am going to bet the communication is what does it! Sharing your deepest interests, fears, and fantasies are going to get you the person you want! You like to be tied to the bed and and submit to your mate – no kiss is going to say that!)

He sold his '65 Mustang so we could afford to get an apartment together.
(Then he turned in his 401k, so he could buy a ring. Then he sold his motorcycle to afford a honeymoon. Then he got rid of his $1000 speakers so he could afford a down payment on your new BMW – not bitter – just realistic! Let me see... He also gave up all of his furniture, trophies, wall hangings, and bedroom set – … oh, and you love us just the way we are! What did you give up – huh!?)

I was traveling overseas, and even though I should have been having the best time of my life, I couldn't wait to get home to be back with him.
(I'm calling Bullshit on seeing Rome, but can't wait to get back to your new love.)

On Valentine's Day he came to my work to bring me a dozen roses.
(Roses on Valentine' Day are expected! Roses on a Wednesday is love. (remember the vase dumbass!)

We were at a concert when he got this amazingly happy look on his face because he was so pleased to hear a certain song. There was just something about that look — how open and vulnerable it was, and how excited over something small.
(The song was Buffett's "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)"! I am sure that I have made such a happy face – but it was at a Jewel concert, and the song was….err…nevermind!)

All he had to do was touch me. It was the exact moment when he first touched my leg.
(I am a total sucker for simple touch – I love to touch… touch and kiss…. Definitely kiss… kiss and lick.. must lick a little…. Oh, and nibble some….)

I suddenly found myself making plans for the future that included him.
(But the 3rd date, although referred to as "suddenly" is still a little to soon to plan the wedding…)

A Little Cyanide and Happiness

2007-03-14T23:24:00.001-07:00

Irish Joke

2007-03-14T09:04:00.001-07:00

…This Irishman walks out of a bar…

Enjoy!

2007-01-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

Let me know what you think......

The Best Divorce Letter Ever....

2006-12-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Connie,

I know the lawyers said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again, but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loud as our hurt.

This is what my heart says; "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see. But they're not you, not even close."

Two weeks ago, I met this woman at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe just 21; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent in gymnastics can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Breasts you wouldn't believe and an ass that just would not quit. It's supposed to be every man's dream, right?

As I sit on the love seat being blown by this amazing little gem, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case yes, but you can see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I am just growing up a little.

Later, after I had given her about a half pint of throat yogurt (which by the way, she absolutely loved), I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It was because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus Connie, I am just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom that moved in a few doors down? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that is not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we are having our way with each other in our old bedroom. And she is a total whore in bed. She is giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career, or whether the kids can hear us – like that! And all the sudden she spots the tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot! But it also makes me sad too because I can't help thinking; "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

So Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all but she has a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. For only 23, she's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together Connie, she really is!

Here we were doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here is this young woman with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 23. And that just about makes me cry. And as it turns out Vicki is really into the whole anal thing. That get's me thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting in and out of your baby sister's tight little ass, all I can think about is you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Do you think we could start over? Just wipe away all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same way – please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan

Santa...Man or Myth?

2006-12-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Let's examine the facts.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, which comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, by another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of Reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the Reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

I Love Christmas File!

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

I will start off with posting some crazy shit about Christmas, but not without having fun on commercialisms behalf about this great holiday. NOW GO GET MY GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!

Look But Don't Touch File

2006-12-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

This is one hot woman! But she is like broken glass ~ shiny and wild to look at, but it will hurt you!
(plus, you'll never get past the "used" part - watch the Tommy & Pam tape and you'll understand why....like a hotdog down a hallway I suppose...)

My Life As A Cartoon File

2006-12-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Britney Must Have Lost Her Shorts in the Divorce...

2006-11-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

Alright,
Listen ~ you can beat up on me all you want, but between the "twang" (which is accent not a body part), that smile, and a little girl on girl action (not only Madonna, but apparently Paris as well) ~ I think Britney is pretty hot! Sure, she doesn't have it all together yet, but she isn't afraid to show what she has!

BRITNEY & PARIS
Very wild! Very sleazy, yet Paris came through with a helping hand when Britney's left one came out to play!
(click on pics for a larger view)

BRITNEY, PARIS, & LINDSEY
Now you have pure chemistry!
Question ~ When these three are together there is bound to be;
A) No Panties!
B) A Sex Tape!
C) A Car Accident!
D) All of the Above!
Where the hell is Nicole Ritchie and we can add DUI (allegedly) - woo hoo!
(again, click on the pic for a larger pic)

BRITNEY & PARIS RIDE AGAIN!
Britney: Paris, I forgot my panties again!
Paris: It's alright Brit, we'll just take the car that you have to step up an out spread eagle from!
(Do you think Paris just hates Britney and is taking her out to embarass her) - conspiracy theory - I think not!!

Paris: Now Brit, wait til all the paparazzi sets up before getting out of the car..

Britney: OK! Are you guys ready?

Britney: Here I come!

Britney: Can you guys get a picture of my "C" section scar please? And can I get a set of wallets to hand out to Kevin's friends?

BRITNEY, PARIS, & MYSTERY "FINGER" GIRL!
Now I don't know who this girl is, but I may just want her more by her attitude alone! Wow! And even though Britney is showing a little belly there, she is human, and that doesn't make her any less of a cutie! But honestly, a pair of pink lace underwear would be 10x as hot!

2006-11-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

2006-11-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

The Music Read My Mind File

2006-11-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Tobacco Island"

Flogging Molly

[Chorus]

All to hell we must sail

For the Shores of sweet Barbados

Where the sugar cane grows taller

Than the god we once believed in

Till the butcher and his crown

Raped the land we used to sleep in

Now tommorow chimes of ghostly crimes

That haunt Tobacco Island

'Twas 1659 forgotten now for sure

They dragged us from our homeland

With the musket and their gun

Cromwell and his roundheads

Battered all we know

Shackled hopes of freedom

We're now but stolen goods

Darken the horizon

Blackened from the sun

This rotten cage of Bridgetown

Is where I now belong

[Chorus]

Red leg down a peg

Blistered burns the soul

The floggings they're a plenty

But reasons there are none

Our backs belong to landlords

Where branded is there name

Paid for with ten shillin's

Cheap labor never breaks

The silver moon is shinin'

Cools the copper blood

Where the livin' meet the dead

And together dance as one

[Chorus]

Agony, will you cleanse this misery?

For it's never again i'll breathe

The air of home

From this sandy edge

The rolling sea breaks my revenge

With each whisper a thousand waves

I hear roar

I'm coming home

Dark is the horizon

Blackened by the sun

This rotten cage of Bridgetown

Is where I now belong

[Chorus]

new logo

2006-11-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

Racism, Bigotry, & Good Old Fashion Ignorance (part I & II)

2006-11-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ahh.. How PC can we be as a society?

I am always surprised by how much we can dish out ~ and our expectations that others are supposed to accept it.

“I am not a racist” is a very odd statement made by high profile people who find themselves at the slip of the tongue when things are at their worst.

I believe we are all racists or bigots on some level. There are people that we do not care for even before we have met them. Whether out of fear or out of safety, because of war or even circumstance, we judge others and that puts us in a racist position in some way or another. There are certain neighborhoods I will avoid, and particular events I will not attend because I don’t feel safe, or welcome ~ why should I put myself in that situation. Provoking confrontation seems to be easier than letting a little name calling “roll off our back”.

…sticks and stones people….

The misnomer is that as a white, I have privilege. To a degree that may be true, but I also know that as much as I want to see the world without color, that doesn’t solve the world’s issues. Having no color – or being white - carries as much of a stereotype, as having a hue that differentiates me from another.

My family is of Irish descent. The Irish were treated as slaves to farm sugar cane on plantations in Barbados as far back as 1600’s. The were persecuted because of Catholicism, and not allowed to have firearms, make money more than their lands worth, or vote ~ sound familiar? But because they were white, I guess it was alright to overlook their strife. They were referred to as;

Mick’s
Paddy’s
Bridget’s
Salivating Simian Wretches (Simian refers to a monkey)
Niggers Turned Inside Out (…there is a pleasant reference)
Idiot Mongrels (referring to a dog..?)

Slavery ~ ahh… slavery…. While African slaves were good to work the fields in the British Caribbean islands and West Indies, they had to be purchased. Irish slaves were plentiful ~ and no charge to the English. The first Irish slaves (recorded) were 1612. I encourage you to read Irish slaves in the Caribbean and make note of the following;

From 1641 to 1652, over 550,000 Irish were killed by the English and 300,000 were sold as slaves, as the Irish population of Ireland fell from 1,466,000 to 616,000.
Although it was not a crime to kill any Irish, and soldiers were encouraged to do so, the slave trade proved too profitable to kill off the source of the product.
Subsequently some 52,000 Irish, mostly women and sturdy boys and girls, were sold to Barbados and Virginia (an established English plantation) alone. Another 30,000 Irish men and women were taken prisoners and ordered transported and sold as slaves. In 1656, Cromwell’s Council of State ordered that 1000 Irish girls and 1000 Irish boys be rounded up and taken to Jamaica to be sold as slaves to English planters. As horrendous as these numbers sound, it only reflects a small part of the evil program, as most of the slaving activity was not recorded.
There are records of Irish sold as slaves in 1664 to the French on St. Bartholomew, and English ships which made a stop in Ireland en route to the Americas, typically had a cargo of Irish to sell on into the 18th century.
Few people today realize that from 1600 to 1699, far more Irish were sold as slaves than Africans.
Finally, in 1839 (227 years later), a bill was passed in England forbidding the slave trade, bringing an end to Irish misery

During the following decade thousands of tons of butter, grain and beef were shipped from Ireland as over 2 million Irish starved to death in the great famine, and a great many others went to America and Australia. The population of Ireland fell from over 9 million to bottom out at less than 3 million. Another chapter, another time, another method…. same people, same results.

Part II

But don’t preach to me of pain. Although I did not personally suffer (no one alive today did…!!), my heritage and family at one point suffered greatly. Oppression isn’t weighed on one race. In one way or another we have all suffered.

I also find it disturbing that the same people that yell fire in the crowded theater, are the same people lighting the powder keg.

Rap music, gangster rap music to be specific ~ is laden with the N-bomb and degradation to both whites and blacks. The record industry routinely attempts to exculpate itself for the rise of gangster rap by arguing that it is just passively providing the consumer with what she or he desires: murder, sexual exploitation and humiliation, proud ignorance, racially stereotypical behavior and attitudes, etc. And the demographic for gangster rap is middle income white suburban males;

A 2003 Boston Globe article excitedly reported that “Today 70 percent of hip-hop is bought by white kids.” The rap industry is increasingly aware that their audience is not just black city-dwellers, as pointed out by Erik Parker of Vibe magazine: “You don’t necessarily need the white face to cross over to the non-urban audiences....

Those are the very people that if caught reciting those very lyrics in public, put themselves at risk of being called racists or worse, subjected to violence. I listen to it. I was probably one of the first to buy N.W.A. in 1988 in my neighborhood. And although I know almost every lyric on the CD, I would never repeat it in public, especially around African-Americans. Why? Because although I understand why the artists felt the way they did when they made the music, and even thought I am fascinated by things I have never seen ~ I do respect that it is wrong in repeating it.

I would not read Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler and bring it up as a topic of conversation in a mixed Jewish American crowd – whether I agreed or disagreed with the books content. Remember, Hitler was pro blonde-hair blue-eyed pure bred Germans ~ and anti EVERYONE ELSE! Very few of us fit his ideals.

I do find it interesting that as a Caucasian, the worst that someone may call me in this day and age is a “fucking white boy” ~ as most other white references have been outdated years ago (honky, cracker, peckerwood). But because we don’t have the shocking N-bomb equivalent ~ does it make “fucking white boy” any less of an attack? It really isn’t the N-bomb word so much for me, since the Irish were called that as well at one point.

I was always told that if someone non-Irish called you a Mick ~ you should swing first, ask questions afterwards. In 39 years, I have only been called a Mick once out of surprise, and it was by another Irish catholic trying to be cool (in Boston no less). (I remember an episode of SNL with Adam Sandler and Mike Meyers doing a skit on The Real World ~ where Mike Meyers plays an Irish boy in the house, and Adam Sandler played someone from Brooklyn, I believe ~ anyways, Sandler’s character says to Meyer’s character “Shut up you stupid Mick!” I was floored. I was always told it was so bad and disrespectful to say. And they said it right on TV.) We all have to have tolerance and understanding ~ and learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes.

I personally find that the non-educated, teenage baby bearing, sideways baseball cap wearing, ebonics speaking (it may qualify as a dialect, but not a language), non-voting, non-working, meth-lab running, backyard wrestling video making, trailer park white trash is one of the solid pariahs out there. Does that make me single handedly a racist? I didn’t coin the phrase;

“White trash" first came into common use in the 1830's as a pejorative used by the slaves of upper-class Southerners, often plantation aristocrats, against poor whites, below even the status of yeomen, who worked in the fields; at the time, it was synonymous with the slurs "sand hiller" and "clay eater"; "white trash" were (hyperbolically) assumed to farm ineptly on poor land and therefore resort to eating clay in order to survive.

I really don’t care about the color of skin. If you meet the criteria above ~ I avoid you, I don’t want any interaction with you, and I won’t go out of my way to help you. I don’t want my kids to emulate you, and I don’t think you are intimidating, tough, attractive, smart, or worthy. I think you are disappointing.

Maybe it’s a generation gap. Maybe it’s a respect thing. And maybe, it’s just how the generation before us ~ felt about Generation X. But it’s not limited to one race.

I know that education and tolerance is something that all of us need to have. I also realize that by using those words, we sometimes glorify how “hard core” we are - or think we are.

But when does it end?

References
Irish slaves in the Caribbean
England’s Irish Slaves
Irish Slavery in America
Barbadosed ~ Africans and Irish in Barbados
White Like Me – part 1-6
I am white. Hear me roar.
World Socialist Web Site ~ Why does social backwardness achieve such success?
Define White Trash

2006-11-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

me

2006-11-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

2006-11-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

My Soundtrack

2006-11-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

LOW LOW LOW

This Years Love ~ David Gray
Feel Us Shaking ~ The Samples
Bittersweet ~ Big Head Todd & The Monsters
Goodbye My Lover ~ James Blunt
Beautiful World ~ Colin Hay
Seven Towers ~ U2
I Will Survive ~ Cake
You Could Be Happy ~ Snow Patrol
If I Ever Leave This World Alive ~ Flogging Molly
Is She Really Going Out With Him? ~ Joe Jackson
There Goes My Life ~ Kenney Chesney
Sodium Light Baby ~ The The
What I Got ~ Sublime
Cure For Pain ~ Morphine
Lithium ~ Nirvana
Love Will Tear Us Apart ~ Joy Division
Nothing Compares To You ~ Sinead O’Connor
Overkill ~ Colin Hay
White Flag ~ Dido
Empty ~ Del Amitri
Into The Mystic ~ Van Morrison

FAST FAST FAST

Hey Girl ~ O.A.R.
Hey Leonardo ~ Blessid Union of Souls
Dogs of Lust ~ The The
Tell Me Something Good ~ Rufus w/ Chaka Khan
My Own Worst Enemy ~ Lit
Everlong ~ Foo Fighters
Rough Sex ~ Lords of Acid
Kiss My Irish Ass ~ Mobtown Hooligans
Staring At The Sun ~ Offspring
Da Ya Think I’m Sexy ~ Revolting Cocks
Valerie Loves Me ~ Material Issue
World In My Eyes ~ Depeche Mode
Self Esteem ~ Offspring
My Next Thirty Years ~ Tim Mcgraw
What’s He Got ~ The Producers
Slow Emotion Play ~ The The
Down In It ~ Nine Inch Nails
I Don’t Like the Drugs ~ Marilyn Manson
DOA – Foo Fighters
Narcolepsy ~ Third Eye Blind
Last Nite ~ The Strokes

What is a Fuck Buddy?

2006-11-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

What is a Fuck Buddy?

Nevermind.
It is a great question, but I already know what it is ~ and I have even had one (or a couple..).

But what makes a Fuck Buddy, and how does one qualify? Do they pick you, or are you fortunate enough to pick them?

Sex in the City, as well as probably every columnist from Cosmo to People has written or referred to Fuck Buddies ~ aka ~ Buddies Plus or Friends with Benefits!

But why are they Fuck Buddies?

I started looking at my life, and how I came to have my own little set of Fuck Buddies (how many times could I possibly write Fuck Buddy?), and how I became others' Fuck Buddy attendants.

I had a date with a girl that I met online (1. it's more common than you would like to admit 2. Yes, it is better than picking up the "bar fly" 3. It is so common, that I really don't even know why we have to refer to it as internet dates anymore ~ who cares where you met them!!!!), and we played a little cat and mouse and after several conversations on the phone we agreed to a date.

Over time things progressed and we….. Well…… Alright, we fucked! So, there we were lying on her bed, and we start talking relationship. I start thinking….. "Oh Shit, what have I done?" I certainly thought she was attractive enough to have sex with, but was I attracted to everything enough to start talking about a "relationship"? She continues to talk; I continue to think about my soon to be third marriage, and then the words "Buddies Plus" comes up. I am tuned in! I said "say that again", and she made a reference to being Fuck Buddies.

Now my mind went in an entire different direction. Not the direction of "whew!!!", but the direction of "WTF? ~ How did you get to choose?"

And that's when I finally started to truly understand my Fuck Buddy relationships. These are people that I can think are attractive, but I really don't want them in the personal sector of my life. Nor do they want you in theirs. It's very reciprocal. It's very simple. And more than anything ~ it actually serves it purpose.

A busy woman/man who has a marriage or two under their belt, one or two kids at home, manages their professional career, and has 27 hours a day to squeeze into 24, is very receptive to an occasional "just fuck me" situation (get on, get in, get off, get out, get going). Think about it. I hate the bar scene. I have to believe that women hate it as much as we men do!! I sometimes hate dating (I really always hate dating), unless it is with "the one"! But when you knock on the door, and you hear the kids killing each other, and the soon-to-be mother-in-law opens the door to greet you as she is watching the kids that night, and then the woman comes down the stairs looking nothing like the girl-next-door (…that I sooooo adore) ~ I just want to run!!!!

But when you find someone that you have a spark with by initial attraction to each other, and they open their mouths, and you find out they are pro-segregation-pro-same sex-marriage-anti semitism-pro-life-pro-death penalty-pro war-pro immigration-pro gun control-pro right-to-bear arms, it simply takes the wind out of your sail and you think "Oh my, I want diversity, but what the hell do I do now. Back to the drawing board. Meanwhile, it's been 2 months since you've been laid. And all of the sudden you find yourself looking for your beer goggles again.

I would say that Fuck Buddies like each other, but aren't any closer to loving each other than the blue's and red's of our great nation! It's nice to have an "ace in the hole" when everything else seems head to the pisser! You need a shoulder to lean on, or someone to bitch about work to ~ call your closest friends. You need some stress relief, a distraction, someone to call you "a dirty little bitch" (I have actually been called that..hmmm) ~ call your Fuck Buddy!

Now, some Fuck Buddies become significant others. It's been documented. Not by me. By someone. Someone that was not me. And it's not necessarily restricted to the same sex either. Which is fine with me either way ~ I really don't have an opinion about that (does sword fighting make you gay….hmmm.. NO!).

What have we learned? Nothing. We still don't know how they became Fuck Buddies. We still don't know who the Alpha Selector was in the situation of Fuck Buddy nominations. And….. the most important thing is if you have a Fuck Buddy ~ you don't really care how you got one ~ your just glad you got one!!

Oh by the way I believe the number was fourteen. Fourteen times using the word Fuck Buddy.

Fifteen!

C

Happy Halloween

2006-10-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

2006-10-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

A Little More Logo

2006-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

What Is Blind?

2006-10-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

WHAT_IS_BLIND?
LOVE?
FAITH?
HOPE?

IS_LOSS_BLIND?
IS_IGNORANCE?
HOW_ABOUT_NAIVETY?

AND_IS_BLIND_SO_BAD?

WALKING_THROUGH_A_ROOM
WITH_Y0UR_EYES_CLOSED
USING_ALL_OF_YOUR_REMAINING
SENSES_TO_REACH
YOUR_DESTINATION,

IF_NOT_EXHILERATING,
THEN_WHAT?

FEELING_YOUR_WAY_INTO
THE_UNKNOWN,
GUIDED_BY_SOUND
DIRECTED_BY_SMELL
MEASURING_BY_TOUCH…

DRAWN_BY_TASTE…

ABSENT_OF_BEAUTY
DEVOID_OF_COLOR

VANITY_EXPOSED!

SOUL_INTENSIFIED

SOMETIMES_I_WISH_I_WERE_BLIND…

There She Is...

2006-10-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I smile as I see her through the crowd

knowing what makes her smile

how she likes to be held

why she cries

and what makes her scream with ectasy

I watch as she talks with friends

thinking about how she tastes

her touch

and the lavendar that surrounds her

I listen as she laughs

closing my eyes

I can hear her above the crowd

separating herself from all others

in that familiar song

that can only be described

as the song of an angel

I am drunk with her presence

and although it is not new to me

every time is the first

every touch is virgin

every taste is recherché

if only I knew her name.....

A Fall Day (slightly unfinished)

2006-10-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Grey today

But not in mind

The outside air

Fall defined

The thoughts fly

So do the leaves

Burning wood

All Hallows eve

All day

Little smiles

The slightest glance

Very wild

A whispering voice

A little hot

provocative words

forget me nots

Captivated knowing

What is underneath

You catch me staring

Grabbing a peak

Undressing you

In my mind

Imagining your touch

My soul unwinds

Head home

Foreplay

Lasted

All day

From the car

Through the door

Torn garments

Hardwood floor

Lip bite

Hair tug

Deep tongues

Entryway rug

On all fours

Up the stairs

Blinds are open

Unaware

Ahh… blinds are open

Don’t care…

Touching

Licking

Tasting

Sweating

Kissing

Sucking

Spooning

Cuddling

Pulling

Pushing

Coming

Going……

Days Like Today File

2006-10-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

Alright, without the regular visits to the witchdoctor, I am pretty much on my own to decipher my feelings about the world and how those feelings affect other people.

I think that my downtime, though infrequent, still is alive and kicking inside me. Without the meds ~ I would not be logical about the job issue, any relationship issue, or life as a whole.

I think about the meds everyday. I think about how I test them, and how they test me back. At times I go off of them ~ only to find without them, I am a total mess. The meds have saved my relationship with my boys, and they have saved my life. It doesn’t bother me to take them ~ but it does bother me to explain to people how important they are to me and the consequences of not having them in my life.

I don’t discuss the medication to anyone, except close friends and family. I don’t discuss it with work, or acquaintances. And I absolutely do not discuss it with dates. I went on a date recently, and it occurred to me how important the meds were ~ to keep the anxiety down, the ADHD at bay, and to keep overall upbeat. I never thought that would happen.

(picture chromecyborg/deviantart)

Play With My Organ File

2006-10-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

Broncos 13 - Raiders 3

2006-10-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

A (Long Overdue) Perspective Of The World Today File

2006-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

...and I thought I was the poster child for this......

I have similar issues some days.....

...... a brief look into my closet...

WTF!?!? Alright people, if you have to dilute this shit down to consume it ~ I wonder what Coke does to you........

"It's an overrated virtue, because, let's face it, we're f–ing animals."– Sienna Miller, on monogamy, to Rolling Stone

Finally someone who gets it! ... I think I lov....errr... lust her!

More ads need to tell is like it is!

It's Not Always Like This...

2006-10-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

somedays

tears fall

eyes bleed

soul cries

heart needs

so tired

go away

can't see

not today

won't speak

go away

it will soon be over

but

not today

it's not always like this....

just when I feel I am alone

hell,

maybe it is....

I Can't Get Her Out of My Head - chapter 8

2006-10-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

She has been absent from my world for well over a year, and although I never see her anymore ~ her presence still haunts me. It confuses and frustrates me.

There are so many answers I will never have. I want to confront her. I want her to explain. I want to scream at her. I want her to know that she hurt me. I want her to feel my pain. And I want to ask her why she picked me to inflict her damage upon.

My loneliness has less to do with her ~ and more to do with the fact that I am absolutely frightened to let anyone in. I made myself 100% vulverable by being involved with her. And although it is often said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I think Del Amitri said it best when they sang the phrase "when you count the cost of all those losses, there's no profit at all."

I am not afraid to love, I am afraid to lose.

The Monster Under My Bed File

2006-10-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

He sleeps there under my bed

waiting for me knowing that I need him as much as he needs me sometimes

he is familiar with my weaknesses and aware of my needs

he knows my fears and feeds off of my anxieties

and i need his comfort and the hold he has on my soul

he pushes on my heart making it hurt and making it painful to breathe somedays

i sometimes wish he would leave, but after all these years he is in my life forever

he won't leave

i am too scared to ask him to

he has too much control

the meds limit his participation somedays

and other days i miss his presence and the all too familiar pain he gives me

the comforting absence of feeling and emotion

and numbness of love that he extracts from me.

I crave it

I don't know what it's like to be without it

I can depend on it

It never fails me

the emptiness continues......

Score?

Monster 666

Me 0

Like Two Peas....

2006-10-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ying and Yang

Sunrise and Sunset

Inhale and Exhale

Plug and Socket

Fred and Ginger

Fred and Wilma

Morticia and Gomez

Salt and Pepper

Spoon and Fork

Suck and Blow

You and I

But where are you………

hmmm....

2006-10-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

WTF File!

2006-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

alright…… it’s finally fixed!
besides your mother told you not to stare directly into the light anyways………

....we are back in business!

Touching Little Story

2006-10-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

This is a story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems in the rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly responded, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, don't it?

Cowtown or Bust

2006-10-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

Well I have been back from Cowtown for about two weeks. Although I was only there a couple of days, there are some significant differences that I can’t seem to get out of my head.

Things I have witnessed on my visit to Cowtown;

No Health Clubs!

Fast Food Everywhere - The Taco Bueno is right next to the Spangles that sits next to the Dog & Shake that shares its parking lot with the Wendy’s that is across from the Sonic…. Oh, and everything has butter toasted buns.

Seniors & Teenagers Work Fast Food – next thing you know they’ll be working on city crews, roofing crews and doing landscaping jobs…..hmmm….

Wal-Mart is preferred over Target

NASCAR is alive and living in Cowtown!

Across town means 15 minutes – MAX!

$50k Houses do exist – with a yard, and no, they’re not double wides!

The Scenic Overlook sign in Dodge City - refers to a highway shoulder that borders 5,000 head of cattle in a feed yard heading to slaughter.

The Deputized Civilian Officer that I came up on doing almost 90 mph had an Oklahoma University sticker on the back of his Toyota Four Runner. (Btw, no ticket – I kept screamin’ “GO OU!”)

A Formal Event in Cowtown means shining up the buckle

Hmmmm…. I am so glad that I am perfect!

2006-09-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

I guess sometimes I just need to write. I have missed therapy for about a month and a half. Without it, I sometimes feel alone, and sometimes feel free. I don't always like it ~ it makes me vulnerable. That is supposed to be OK, but it is out of my element to make myself that open to anyone. I still hurt. I am still lonely.

In addition to not going to therapy, I also have let the meds run dry. With a new job, and new people in my life ~ I am literally afraid of failure to the point of being extremely high stressed, and emotional. I am full of self doubt, and I second guess everything right now.

I have talked to the witch doctor through a series of phone tags (I refuse to take the call personally, since I will completely implode). And I will request this morning all of my meds for my upcoming trip (Lexapro, Adderall, & Wellbutrin ~ the toxic cocktail that makes me tolerable). I will need them. I am going back to what could be considered my "home town" (I went there in high school ~ the most memorable of the places I lived), where there will be people in my life I haven't seen in 20 plus years. My father, an old friend, an old girlfriend, and a lot of relatives. A homecoming of sorts that I need to do to get past some pure animosities in my life. I am petrified. I want to feel good, hell, I want to look good. I don't want to be emotional. I will focus on their issues to stay away from my own. At times in my life I have been completely unstable and unpredictable ~ I need composure during this visit ~ I need control.

I don't know what to expect from this visit ~ and I am terrified. This may be the last time I ever go back. ever. It makes me nauseous.

Well, it's time to run. Literally ~ it's what I do best, avoid situations that let people in. The walls are up. No one gets in.

Excerpt from DIE HAPPY

2006-09-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

Alright I have decided that there are just some things in my life I would like to experience.

There are always the standard bullshit that your buddies think are the "Ultimate" (Sex with two women, maybe an orgy, film an amateur porn of your friends - OK, the last one is just my idea) ~ and those are all fun!! But then there are some things that being a little selfish, I would like to hear some really crazy shit hit topic ~ and be able say "Yea, it was a kick when I did that! But you should try this....", and watch the room turn green with envy.

Fortunately in this lifestyle, I have some of those covered. But how many of your friends can you really tell about the New Year's Eve whole floor takeover complete with stripper pole, and sex swing? Oh, and a certain dom fem walking a girl on a leash down the hallway at 6am....... (!!)

So, I started reading this book Die Happy, 499 Things Every Guy's Gotta Do While He Still Can, and even though it really is written with single men under 35, at 39 (I swear I am not going through a mid-life crises) and with the right buddies (or one crazy girl)......(or a lot of LL'ers)... this book could be a blast!!

Below are a couple of things that I will have to experience that can be easily accomplished inside the city limits - club owners take note.....

ABC PARTY
Anything But Clothing, an ABC party is a bash that requires all attendees to arrive wearing anything (you guessed it) except what is deemed as normal clothing. Certainly, this party offers up a premium excuse for you to look and act like a total jackass. It also presents the perfect occasion to satisfy that fetish of yours to observe others in saran wrap or other household items. ...Now the key to the success of such a party is stringent obedience to the rules.

Very Cool! Here are a couple of Pub Crawls that can be made pretty crazy considering our group of delinquents. Can these be done on a large scale and more risque ~ absolutely, why not!?

Polaroid Pub Crawl - Scavenger Hunt with polaroids. Polaroids are recommended for the uniqueness and because they are not so intimidating during participation.

Costume Pub Crawl ~ Twenty-five Santa Clauses, each with a full white beard, pants, coat, and black belt, parading from bar to bar? Hell, how about 50 Pimp and Ho's parading bar to bar, or 30 men and women in school girl outfits and geek wear (sound familiar with our back to school parties) in lower downtown causing a stir?

Random City Pub Crawl ~ Let's go to New Orleans and see the quarter with no specific event other than our own one floor takeover world tour! Or New York? Or Glenwood Springs, Colorado? Something totally random like Madison Wisconsin? Cheap flights, cheap rooms, the rest is up for discussion......

Just a thought.....

The Music Read My Mind File

2006-09-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

SNOW PATROL
YOU COULD BE HAPPY

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

How Lucky Do You Feel?

2006-09-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

look for a new post ~ and some brand new views (and re-visit some fun stuff) over the next few days.......

2006-09-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

...ab...SIN...th...

2006-08-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

Black Shamrock

What Does It Take...?

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? - A PHYSICIST VIEW

An Irish Airman foresees his Death (W.B. Yeats)

...The Devil Inside

My Life on TV

A Love Seat Made Out Of Monogamy... (Part I)

My Happy Places...

You Know What Your Problem Is.....?

The Seven Year... what?

Suicide Buffet

The "F" File

Skills, Pills, and Absence of Thrills

8 Things List - Annoying Things (People) at the Grocery Store

A Tough Weak...?

Adderall, Lexapro, and Life...

If Chivalry Isn't Dead, I may have to kill it...

Welcome To The Jungle File

What The Hell File??

What do you do...

reflection of death and dismay...

Storm Before The Calm

Random

...Sleep in Heavenly Peace

What is there to be afraid of.....

isolation

I only bleed out the loneliness

Inhale

a rountine....

my own worst enemy....

Absence makes the heart grow.......

Keep your friends close....

Untitled

Staring Into Darkness

Random...Randum...Radum....Redum...Redrum....

What If I Wasn't In Your Life Anymore...

I Hate Onions.....

Where is My Mind?

something simple

Checklist for 2008.....

.....take another little piece of me heart...

What Am I Looking For.....?

Fog

My Friend the Witch Doctor

Dear God

Random Sh..Stuff for October 16th

Someone's Outside

untitled 5

Some Random Sh....Stuff!

For Sale: My Whole Being

There Is No Profit In The Cure!

Yes...it's time to play!

What is Black Shamrock?

Lists Lists Lists

A Little Cyanide and Happiness

Irish Joke

Enjoy!

The Best Divorce Letter Ever....

Santa...Man or Myth?

I Love Christmas File!

Look But Don't Touch File

My Life As A Cartoon File

Britney Must Have Lost Her Shorts in the Divorce...

The Music Read My Mind File

new logo

Racism, Bigotry, & Good Old Fashion Ignorance (part I & II)

me

My Soundtrack

What is a Fuck Buddy?

more logo less content...

Happy Halloween

A Little More Logo

What Is Blind?

There She Is...

A Fall Day (slightly unfinished)

Days Like Today File

Play With My Organ File

Broncos 13 - Raiders 3

A (Long Overdue) Perspective Of The World Today File

It's Not Always Like This...