Chasing Ghosts

Today is the anniversary (is that the correct reference?) of my mothers death.  Two years ago.

And the IRS letters pursuing my mother’s estate tax obligations (my grandmother’s to her, not my mothers estate (if you can call it that) to me/my siblings) - has not stopped.

It scares me.  It makes be paranoid about the safety of my assets, and what it means if they (IRS) are not satisfied, for my children’s assets.  When do they stop standing at the door for “more”.

There is really nothing there to chase.  My parents died with nothing.  Whittled down to pennies on the dollar.  Under the current health issues, they would not have survived.

But there are no emotion when they decide to take.  And that causes paranoia and anxiety.  And I don’t have a way to escape it.

I am not worried about me - but I need to ensure that it stops with me and does not impact my children.

13M

The isolation is fine.

I’m not mad at you.

I want you to be happy - more than anything.  I know that I was never the option.

It just makes me sad.

You’ve said before that you didn’t trust me - and that actually hurts my feelings.

And if you don’t trust me, that means i shouldn’t trust you.  Because you will never have my back.

And that hurts too.

Because i love you.

Isolation

During this isolation, I’m more than OK with it.

I’m looking at the Florida Keys for a trip this week since I have to work remotely anyway.

I’m by no means think that the end is near, however, there’s only so much of this I can take without putting myself in a lot better climate, under a lot better conditions.

Being alone is just fine. Being lonely is quite another ordeal. While I have family close, I don’t have family immediately in my reach.

My personal life is nonexistent.

My patience is obviously wearing very thin.

I just want to be somewhere else.

some days...

some days are better than others.

it's that simple.

we deal with it, but that's life.

as I sip a glass of wine on a grey day, I contemplate my career, as well as, my life.

I am saddened.

and I am bored.

while I have some very lucrative investments, if they all came true tomorrow..  I would simply move them all into my children's names, and promptly blow my skull apart.

it's that simple.

I am truly done.

I look for reasons to continue, so I get into a relationship, or I make an investment, anything that has a timeline attached to it.

but right now, my life is pretty repetitive, basic, and boring.

and I hold on to the commitments that keep me going.  because I have no desire to push along simply  based on love, desire, and attraction (to person, possession, or practice).

it's just that simple.

..and the pursuit of happiness

What makes a person happy?

Money? Security? Accomplishment?

I don’t know...

I tend to overthink my life - and my boredom hits like the tide, pulling at everything on it’s way out, and drowning everything when it comes back in.

On a 1-10, my life is about an 7-1/2, an 8 if I am being generous.

There isn’t a lot that I want.  Maybe time.  But I don’t really want time.

But I don’t know exactly what I am waiting for.

I’m not waiting on people, or more specific a person - as the people in my life have been temporary at my own doing.

I’m not waiting on validation.  Because there is a major part of me that simply doesn’t care.  In fact, I am completely numb to most things around me.

I’m not waiting on an experience.  As the experiences in my life have been remarkable and devastating both in one big bouquet.

I guess I’m waiting to see if I did it all correctly.  My choices.  My children.  My life.  The pieces are in play.

I have set it all up the way I thought it all should go.  The way that I believe it to be true.

In spite of my upbringing.  In spite of my surroundings.  In spite of my experiences.

I’m not looking forward to a later life of “happy ever after”, because I just don’t believe it exists.

I trust no one to have any of my interests at heart.  In fact I simply trust no one.  I trust me.

Maybe my own trust, is what makes me happy.

Maybe being self aware of my faults, vulnerabilities, and strengths is what makes me happy.

I’m happy, but bored.

Peyton: Tiger, I’m sittin’ at birdie right now.  What are you sittin’ at?
Tiger: almost a billion...

..my friend the witch doctor...

While attending my weekly/bi-weekly meeting (aka small fortune), the witch doctor mentioned that I may want to consider re-visiting my old friends, Adderall, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and Trazodone.

It has been brought to my attention that based on losing two parents in the past 12 months, and dealing with work, grandchildren, and random personal issues, that I may be suppressing depressive feelings and passing them of as “stress”.

(I am absolutely paraphrasing- but the discussion revolved around me burying myself in my work to avoid any true feelings that I may have about anything.

My past year has been at least 12 months of dealing with the financial woes of an estate, unrealistic work loads, and bad sex.

And bad sex may be the worst part.

Listen, my kink may not be your kink, but human touch and ridiculous friction - would certainly work better than all of those meds combined.

Those meds make me numb.  And worse, they make me uninterested in any physical activity at all.

A little human touch would be the remedy...  

What I Got.

Uncertainty

I’m not quite sure where exactly my life is going at the moment, but the waters are not at all calm.

I am mourning the loss of my mother and step-father.
I am celebrating the birth of a grandson.
And I am in limbo with a relationship that is burning out.

Emotionally, I am broken.
Mentally, I am exhausted.

I have no diversions or distractions (at least not physical ones).  And that for me, is a first.  I generally have someone on the fallback.  Someone who wants nothing from me but physical closeness, and temporary interaction.

I feel alone.  And I feel like i’ve stayed too long at a party I wasn’t even invited to.

My goal was not to even be here.

me, now.

right now i am carrying guilt.
right now i want to vanish.

i am not interested in anything

or anybody

i don't believe in anything

or anybody

i am numb

and i don't want to be alive anymore

i just exist to benefit other people

and there is no benefit for me

i am not grieving the death of my mother

so much as i am grieving my own death

i have never felt so alone

and I have never wanted to walk away from everyone so much as i do right now.

i may fucking hate everyone.

the walls are at an all time high